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Jo,

Chinese lady professor (much younger!) has invited me to a dance concert Saturday (tomorrow) night! Met her Sunday at a faculty dinner and we have been steadily emailing back and forth. First time female has invited ME out since I been here. LOL. So what are the rules: should I repay her for the tickets? dinner before or after or no dinner? shirt, tie, and jacket? Or jeans? What do Chinese women want? Maybe Michael, your husband, can help you give me some advice. I am in uncharted water. Hope to hear from you soon — before the date which, by the way, is a long way from where I live and will have to take a taxi — 50Y back and from, I think.

You should write a column offering brothers (or men of any race/ethnicity) advice on this topic.

I am usually giving advice to women who want to date Chinese men, sometimes I forget my male readers.  So, I wanted to give some dating advice to the Western guy that wants to date a Chinese woman.   I have researched the information, thru my colleagues, internet and my husband of course and have come up with a few things you have to remember when wanting to date Chinese women, especially when you are  in China.  One big thing you need to remember is that…. “Your not in Kansas anymore Dorothy…”  the rules have changed over here.

  1. –Be honest your intentions. If you are only going to be living in China for a short while then  make sure that she understand this. Do not lead her on by giving her false hope for the future.
  2. _Public Display of Affection is still a no-no in many parts of China. Kissing and even holding hands in public is still not really accepted by the older locals.
  3. –Going to visit your girl’s hometown is often seen as a serious step towards marriage in China. If she  invites you to visit her hometown during a holiday, be careful. Accepting the invitation may send the wrong message to her and her family.
  4. –In China the double standard still holds, the fewer boyfriends that a girl has before marriage, the better. Ideally, a girl should marry her first boyfriend, so they are usually looking for a husband not just a one night stand.
  5. –If your girl’s parents discover that you are involved sexually with their daughter, there may be ‘hell to pay.’ Chinese parents are  extremely protective over their ‘adult’ children and you could find yourself in serious legal and/or physical danger. You don’t want that kind of trouble in a foreign country, especially China.
  6. –Impregnating a Chinese girl is a serious matter in China. Do not assume that because you are a foreigner that you will be able to just leave the girl. ’ Passports of foreigners who impregnated Chinese girls have been blocked before. They don’t go for that mess in China anymore.
  7. –For most girls in China, having sex is a sign of a serious relationship that is headed towards marriage. There are always exceptions, but most Chinese girls, like Western women; do not want to be simply used as a ‘plaything.’

Now that you know the basics, you can get down to dating.   Chinese women usually date in groups at the first date.  It makes them feel safer and usually a friend introduces the person to them so that friends comes a long.   I rarely see a man dressed up in a suit or tie unless it is for business or they are working for the government.  So, clean and casual is okay for going on a date in China.  

Usually, the man pays for the date, however, there has been times where the woman will insist on paying if she invited the man, especially if the woman is wealthy.  Just make sure her intentions are clear.  Chinese women sometimes want to be your friend because they want to learn English or just show that they are friends with a foreign person.   They are kind of innocent in the ways of men, so what they think is just a friendly dinner you could mistake for a romantic encounter. 

I like to tell my male friends that the girls here in China are much younger mentally than in other countries.  Because they have been sheltered all their lives they don’t realize a lot of things and are a little gullible.  They are like teenagers in the 1950’s and still see things in rose-colored glasses.

The last thing I want to say is that Chinese girls really are looking for security.  House, car and money is how they feel safe, so don’t be surprise if some girls are interested in you because you are a foreigner. There is still the myth that westerns are rich and they could get a better life by marrying one.

Otherwise enjoy yourself, I have many male friends that have found their true love here in China and are living happily ever after.

 

until next time….

 

Life behind the wall

Find out how life can be for a Black American woman married to a Chinese man behind the Great Wall of China.

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March 2013

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