Do you Support or Complain?


As I sit here this morning sipping on my morning green tea, I think to myself.. I know how men can be confused by women.  I know you are surprised to hear this since I am always an avid support of women being right… however, this morning I woke up with this thought in my head… That the men maybe a little correct… we are a little bit crazy.

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Let me explain… As you know I am a part of an interesting, challenging and beautiful marriage to an Asian man.   Now, people always ask me why I married an Asian man.. and in most cases I tell them.. why not?  But I will tell you … not only have I always been attracted to Asian men but … I like that traditional and sometimes chauvinistic way they treat women.  What I mean is that they still think of women as women… the weaker sex that need to be taken care of and protect even though some of us are more than strong enough to handle things that life throws at us.

Most of them… at least here in China.. still have the thought process that they are the head of the family and it is their job to take care of everything outside the house.  Now, mind you they still realize that women have to work, and even own businesses.. but at the heart of it.. they are the strong one and they want to take care of things.

Personally, I do not find anything wrong with a man wanting to be a man…. and the woman being the woman…. it is how it was intended right?…. I think that we women have pushed so hard to be equal in the States .. that we have gotten what we have asked for…. Not in everything .. but in most things… and now the men do not have a role to play.    Which can open up all other kinds of issues… they are not held accountable for things anymore… because we strong women, will take care of it if things are not right.

Do not get upset ladies.. but it is just how I see it…. and when I speak to my elders that have been married for years and years… they tell me… that at home they are just the mother, wife and woman… and in the office they are strong and powerful equals.

So, I get to my issue… My husband when I first met him did not have the best job.. (although he was employed) and had very low confidence in his abilities due to that.   He felt that although he was educated in a university that wasn’t as good of a university as others.  He was constantly feel unworthy and depressed.

Since, we have been together … I have instilled confidence in him..(since I have plenty to go around). I have supported him and pushed him to realize his potential and value.   In return, he has improved greatly…He obtained a very good job that included a company car, he has been promoted quickly .. and has been chosen to manage the larger projects and travel on business to various cities in China.  His salary has doubled and he confidence has tripled.   He is happy with his job and his progress and so am I.

Now here is where the crazy thinking starts….. although I am proud of him and happy that he is becoming more and more successful, and coming into his own.   I am not completely happy with the situation…… yeah.. I know….

I guess supporting your husband to be successful and being the invisible hand that holds him up … comes with drawbacks…. My husband has to leave on business trips often … various amounts of time.   From one night to a week.. he is away from home on business.   Due to the hours I work and he works…. we only see each other about an hour a day…in the late evening.   I only have one day off … and on that day he has to work half, if not the whole day.   I am usually spending most of my time working or alone.    Because I work nights …. he stays up long enough to kiss me and say hello then he is off to bed, to be up at 6 am and start again.

I understand that he is working and improving himself.. he even tells me.. that he is young and now is the time he needs to make the money … so he can take care of me when we are old.   I understand this completely… however that doesn’t stop me from wanting him home with me.

I know you guys think I am crazy… I want him to be successful.. but I also want him home with me….. can’t have both… greedy lady…. I wanted him to make more money… but didn’t want him to work more…. I have totally lost my mind…. but as I was thinking about all this … I realize that a lot of women feel this way….

What is wrong with us…?   We want men to be the man .. but still put us first…. we want him to take care of us financially.. but don’t forget to come home for dinner every night.  Overtime, I have realized that no matter what country.. most men can not multi-task… when they are at work they think about work… when they are at home they think about home.   Therefore, when my husband is at work… he sometimes forgets to call me at lunch or dinner… not because he doesn’t want too.. but because he is so busy.  I now really understand the Chinese wife….and why they have children not long after they marry and why they live so close to their in-laws.   To keep them company.

The men in China work very, very hard… and many travel a lot…. and have to entertain clients.  While the women stay home and take care of the house… now a lot of women work.   For the women this can be as boring as hell.   However, it is even worse for me…. although I have met many wonderful people in China…. they cannot occupy my time all the time… my good friends are still in the states… and other foreigners can only do so much.

Would it be different in the states….?  Maybe… at least I would have more friends that have more things in common with me… or have more things to occupy my time.   Do I regret pushing my husband to be all that he can be?… of course not.... D0 I want to live closer to my in-laws to have them keep me company?….uhhh.. no… Do I want to have another child to occupy my time?…not at this time……. so what do I do?   It has come to the point that my husband feels he is not making me happy…. and feels that his job will cause issues for us….I told him… to continue with the job and be happy and proud of himself…. I will be okay….

I am sure I will be okay…. after thinking about it… I realized in my extra alone time… I can finish my book, I can write my blog…. I can learn yoga or kung fu…. I can exercise more…(well.. forget that) … I can study my chinese language more.. there are many things I can do…. but it is funny….

I remember my grandmother telling me….”be careful what you wish for..because you just might get it” ... truer words were never spoken.

until next time…

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12 thoughts on “Do you Support or Complain?

  1. Noma

    I really like reading your blog!
    and I think you and your husband are going to be just fine 🙂
    I may not know you, but from what I’ve read, the two of you have got enough love to go around the great wall! (no pun intended) aha
    I agree with everything you’ve written, younger women are so intent on being the strong, independant superwoman that they start to leave a trail of marginalised men around.

    I don’t know what you’re using to practise your chinese but
    have you heard of the site lang-8?
    you can submit jounal like entries in the language that you are learning and native speakers correct your errors.
    oh and its freee :p haha
    you should check it out. I heard about it from a friend 🙂

    1. Awww.. thank you so much… yeah.. we have so much love .. some people think it is sickening… hehehe… but we do not care… I will check out that site…. I now use livemocha.com and at the school i work at .. they give free chinese classes twice a week… and of course only about 10% of the people in the city i live in speak english… so that forces me to use what I know often… Thank you for reading my blog… and welcome to my online family…. (smile)

  2. pearls

    P.S. Mrs. Jo, if you ever feel like chatting when you have free time, you can email me. We can talk about anything from hair, herbs, cooking, getting older to getting better as we age. Even share funny stories about being over there compared to being over here! I’ll just leave it up to you.

  3. pearls

    I kind of sensed that you implemented some wonderful gestures, even while I was typing my comments. You know, missing each other is just as much a part of reality as is breathing, it’s assuredly a good thing. So, when I grow up (even though I’m slightly older than you-smile) and remarry, I’m going to implement your noted, wonderful loving gestures into my relationship, too!

    I’m looking forward to getting my reserved book! I already sense you have a great deal to share! Also, Amazon is one of my favorite sites. Big Smile!

    Respectfully!

  4. pearls

    Regarding the little post-it. From my experience, answers or truth is ever present. It’s up to us to accept it or disregard it! Then make the necessary changes or adjustments and prepare for the outcome of our choices.

    Personally, I’ve never liked that idiom that you mentioned as it stands, because what’s the point in believing for something if fear and uncertainty is associated with its outcome. To me, there’s an absence or void on the emphasis of considering that people grow and initially situations change, especially with in the intimacy of a marital relationship. With growth, new and exciting opportunities come. Selecting the best from those choices creates present and future adjustments. It’s understandable that you miss him. Because he wasn’t in that job position when you both met and you had more time to spend with each other. I’m not trying to be nosey or be like a know it all, but maybe a text message just to saying hi (just an example), or slip a sweet note with a cute picture of yourself attached to it in his suitcase before locking it when he travels. So, when he opens it, voila! If you’re at work when he’s scheduled to come home, leave a note with a flower on his pillow (I like the thought that Asian men enjoy receiving flowers, well maybe not all do-it’s just an idea). Those seemingly small gestures will forever be in his mind. He’s very tender-hearted towards you, and your expressing to him that you’ll be okay helps him to focus on his goal as the head of his household. Yet, he’ll need your assurance on the matter from time to time. Down the road he may even get another position that would include minimal travel. So, as you get busy with your various projects, don’t forget about us online folk, okay!

    P.S. Pardon the lengthy reply. But, I’m focused like that, too and I’m a woman. When I’m at work, my focus is there and when I’m at home my focus is there. Neither the twain shall meet! The exception is only when I’m preping for something. Peace!

    1. Actually .. i do .. perform these little acts of love… i even just send a random text that says…”smile… someone loves you” … i know … it is these little things mean a lot… and I make sure .. he knows when he comes home.. that I missed him like crazy… so he knows… how much i love him….

  5. pearls

    Before I make my comment, I just want you to know that you will definitely be OKAY!

    In answer to the title of your article, I say SUPPORT! Because the end result will be well worth the wait! Do work on filling your time with your many projects that you mentioned, until your husband comes home. You know, I was going to ask if you thought about writing a book, but you already mentioned it in this article. Please, please begin to spend more time on it because I want to buy it (with your autograph in it, thank you)! Also, include that man you mentioned who schooled your husband on how to survive being married to a black woman, that’s a MUST! (Big Smile)! I can already see your books (yes, books) on the NY #1, bestsellers list! Even going international! We women do enjoy reading true love stores!

    1. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement…. You are right… and sometimes.. we just need someone to tell us that what we already know is correct…!! I am hoping to finish at least one book by the end of this year…. i can have it published in China .. a lot cheaper than the US and sell it on Amazon .. my website. and here on a popular website http://www.taobao.com that .. is good… I am already reserving you a copy.. hehehe.. thank you again…

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