Dealing with Long Distant Marriages


Everyone knows that currently my husband and I live in different cities, approximately 2 hours apart; due to work.  I have gotten all kinds of negative feedback on the way my marriage currently stands.  First I want to say to those people who give me all the negativity…….Mind your own business!!! Stay out of my marriage it does not concern you.  Now, that I have that off my chest….I will continue.

Sometimes situations cause people to be separated for one reason or another.  Believe it or not people make it work all the time.  Just like my husband and I do.  so I choose this blog to give you some types on how to make a long distance relationship work.  I can not claim all the tips are from me but they are ll I use and agree with wholeheartedly.

Husbands & Wifes
Husbands & Wifes (Photo credit: nerosunero)

 

1. Must have a true interest in each other

physical attraction isn’t enough, you have to truly be interested in each other no matter how long you have been together or where you met.  If you are truly interested in that person you will make an effort to keep them in your life.

2. Relationship Plan For The Future

Make sure and plan is set for the future.  Either eventually he will move or she will move or you will both move together to another city.  A clear plans helps you because you know it isn’t going to be this way forever.   Kind of like a light at the end of the tunnel.  Most relationships fail because of no solid plan  of action.

3. Meet Regularly

This is very important.  My husband comes to see me every weekend, unless an emergency happens.  Even if it is only once a month visit each other face to face.  Then spend som quality time together; besides just in the bedroom.  Go out and have a special dinner or dancing or whatever you guys like to do.  Plan the meetings so you can relax and enjoy each other.

4.Use Modern Technologies

With the internet, smart phones, social media and regular phones there is no reason not to communicate with each other.  It is easier than ever before to stay in touch.  My husband talk on wechat or message each other more than 3 times a day.  It is like he is in the same city, getting on my nerves other than 2 hours away.  Even when he travels to Hong Kong for 3 months, communication still flows.

5.Give Yourselves A Free Day

Being alone can be frustrating and you can end up taking it out on your partner and there is nothing worse than fighting thru email or social media.  Having a day without communication makes you miss them a little.  It will make the meeting more exciting and intense.  You have a little break and can test the strength of your relationship.

6. Be honest

When things get to me or I get lonely I am honest about it with my husband.  I tell him how I feel and when I need him to give more attention or whatever it may be.  they cannot see you all the time so they cant read your feelings through an email.  So be detailed and honest.  If you miss his loving let him know, so he can come back and take care of business.

Communication
Communication (Photo credit: P Shanks)

7.Beware Of Jealousy

Ohhhh this is a big one.  Jealousy is a very dangerous thing. Jealousy is a lack of trust and  often reveals insecurities and bad experiences that you have had  in other relationships.  The cure for this is trust.  If you cant trust your man or your man cant trust you….then you have a more serious problems then just a long distance relationship.   If this is the case you need some serious communication and to really look at your relationship.  Shakespeare said:

O, beware, my lord, of jealousy It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock
The meat it feeds on

8.Avoid Dangerous “Situations”

If you trust each other you can pretty much let them do what they want and you know they wont cross the line.  However, I would advise that you not put yourself in temptation’s way.  I put myself in dangerous situations all the time, for my art of course.  But I am secure in the fact I will not cross the line; the same as my husband.  we got it like that..but not everyone has the self-control we have so better to just avoid the danger.

9.Never Lose Faith

People are negative and will tell you all kinds of reason why your relationship wont work and give you all kinds of doubts and even try to get you to not trust what you know is true.  Let me tell you….it can work and it does work for me.  But you have to both believe….and trust.  Dont listen to the haters..usuallythey want to see you fail.

10.Stay Positive

Always assume your partner loves you and cares about you.  don’t try to read things between the lines or make some stupid assumptions when he didn’t call exactly at the right time or you didn’t get an email when you should have.  do not assume the worse.  Positive thinking is necessary.

Yes it isn’t easy and we all have our little lapses but you can make it work and be happy.  I make every moment my husband comes home special in some way.  That way he is excited to come back too.  No want wants to come back to some one nagging them.

I hope this helps some of you that are in or considering a long distance relationship. I think the best part is the “I Miss you sex” even better than make up sex.

 

until next time…

 

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8 thoughts on “Dealing with Long Distant Marriages

  1. This actually more happens in today’s world, especially because of reality of jobs and schooling. Sometimes it’s really hard to make it happen at the right time, together.

    All good advice you give. I’ve lived through that.. and we have stuff spread out across 2 cities, ie. bikes in 2 different cities, etc. Canada is a freakin’ huge country with a thin population strung out across the country (plus jobs only in certain areas of the country) unlike Europe, where the probability of long distance relationship is higher.

    We actually don’t take a break of communication. Once a day is necessary..or better put, we both want to communicate with one another…it’s a joy for us to do so.

  2. Maria Edwards

    Hello Mrs. China Behind China Walls, if I may call you that for now. Frist off sorry for people speaking negative. Nevertheless one you say you are a Black woman, and readers’ know that and they maybe black as well and jealous of you. Its what they may want and do not have it for themselves my dear. Also relationships as this long distance you must be careful of and have God in both of your lives and plans. Only I know it can work if its what you both want, but always beware. And yes it wont be as this always so stay strong for each other. Therefore I pray for you and him that you have the best in this life, for the both of you together. I am proud of you going after your dream life.
    Sincerely,
    Maria A. E

  3. pearls

    What an excellent blog! I commend for sharing and agree with you…PEOPLE NEED TO MIND THEIR ‘OWN’ BUSINESS!!! If they can’t be encouraging by supporting your blog…they should shut it and don’t say anything at all with their well meaning selves!

    I totally agree that physical attraction is definitely not enough, nor long lasting because everyone is going to grow old no matter what they do to keep your skin taunt and muscles strong. People have to like each other and make an effort, just like you posted.

    Whether its separation due to a job, the military, etc. people need encouragement, not another Dr. Joyce Brothers wanna be!

  4. Pingback: 15 Tips for a New Relationship | oheyitsanjie

  5. Denise Thomas

    Thank yo for the wonderful advice! I’m not married nor do I have a boyfriend. What I do have is common sense & a love of knowledge. Your advice is perfectly doable as long as the people involved have the drive to succeed. All the best in your long-distance marriage!

    Sincerely, D

    Sent from my iPhone

  6. Thank again for this wonderful Blog of yours. You’re right, negative input or not when it comes to a couples marriage people should mind their own business. That is where the “forsaking all others” come into play in the marriage and sadly, couples forget their vows. Too many people see it as words to be said during the ceremony. However, those words are your promises to each other and if you don’t mean them literally than you should write the words you do mean from the heart.

    I don’t understand why people are shock by long distant marriages or relationships when it’s not new or taboo. As long as men and now women have been doing their duties to their country, no matter what country it is you are in a long distant relationship, because your man or woman spend more time in the company of his fellow comrades then they do in their marriage, especially if your significant other has made the military their career choice.

    Why would two people being separated due to careers be any different? I personally have always wanted a long distance relationship, because as an author, unless I marry another author and we co-write together, it’s means a lot of uninterrupted alone time. Yes, it’s a selfish career to have, but if you’re living a life with a career you love, then you know it chose you and not the other way around.

    However I learned from my first marriage, if I am not happy with myself alone, then I won’t be happy with another person. You can not put the pressure on another person for your happiness. It’s not fair.

    I use to believe a relationship could be sustained on love alone. Then I learned the hard way love isn’t enough when their is no trust. My ex husband was and from the last time speaking with him, still is, a habitual liar that predator on the affections of women. TRUST is the relationship, people. Don’t fool yourself into thinking if you love a liar enough they will change for you. When a person tell you or show you who they are believe it, because it may be the only truthful time in your entire relationship.

    With trust and love, distance is nothing but a current situation and when you have planned a lifetime with a person, the time of parts don’t feel so long, because the coming together is like meeting and dating all over again if you think of it that way.

    If you are resentful and feel as if you’re being left behind, then it means you are depending on your partner for your happiness and your relationship will breakdown, because you are not a strong enough person to make it on your own. You need that 24 hours type of connection and there is nothing wrong with that, but if you know this about yourself, don’t get married to the opposite of you.

    Don’t be resentful towards the person who is exactly the person you knew you were getting. Women want a hardworking successful man who provides for them, well with that type of man comes a lot of responsibilities on him and he can’t always be there for you. Now you can be the backbone behind this man’s growing success by knowing he has something worth coming home to—same goes for men with successful wives— or you can be the partner your long distance lover cancels on because he rather lie to you than go home and deal with you.

    Again, thank you for opening up these subjects for discussion.

    Ree

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