Rainbows and Waterlilies… its not


Rainbow and Water lily contestI know I have been AWOL for a while but a lot has been going on…. soo much that I don’t even know where to start….. I guess I should start with the major thing…. my husband and I have decided to get divorced.   Now before everyone gets upset and shocked and surprised and … well faints…. let me tell you the reasons.

It has nothing to do with culture differences and long distance relationships… but everything to do with two people who are not on the same path.  We start out five years ago… on the same path to happiness, but somewhere down the line… he started taking a different path.   He has taking the money path.   Living in China there are a lot of societal pressures for a chinese man… I cant put all the blame on society though… I have to put some blame on him.   He has been brainwashed into believing that money is god…. and money will fix everything and money is happiness.  In China that is a common belief, they believe in money.

I am much different…. I use money as a means of survival but it doesn’t rule my life.  It has gotten to the point that money has become before me his wife.

It is a funny thing about marriage to a local chinese man, the wife is not first in their life….. at least not if you are married to a Chinese man without money.   First is work, then its parents, himself, his friends… and then the wife.  The long distance didn’t help…. promises to come visit were broken… promises to eventually live together again were also broken.

I guess you can say…. we grew apart…. in a way.   The funny thing is that there are no fights, no arguments, no heated discussions… just conversation about the future and what it holds…. and it seems our futures do not match up.   However, he still claims he will visit me when he has time… or help me if I need something….(not really sure if he understands what divorce means)…..he even called and asked me about his day….. right after we decided to divorce…crazy I know….. the moment I knew it had to end was  when he said to me….. “Divorced or marriage it is the same thing to him” …. well that is definitely a problem if he cant tell the difference.

So, i decided that it is not what I want in a marriage…. things have changed from before…. no more fun trips, no more funny conversations… no more happy times together….. now his mind is focused only on money.   His money… and his future.

I am okay… actually…. I guess I have lived alone here in china for over a year… and although i get lonely sometimes…. I am good.  It doesn’t mean I have given up on Asian men…. it doesn’t mean… i am going to race back to america….and it doesn’t mean my life is now over…. I did not come to China to find a husband….. I came to China for a new life.. and a new adventure…. and I think this is just the next chapter in the exciting adventure I call my life.

There are things that I can experience and do … that I wouldn’t do before due to my devotion to marriage and what it stands for….. by living in China… I have found that marriage doesn’t stand for the same things that we think it does in the states.   Here marriage really is a piece of paper…. most locals see it as a way to have kids…. or get a house and a car…. or as a duty to their parents.   Funny how thinking changes when you have lived in another culture for so long.

I will slowly close the chapter on my married life and open the book to my single dating life…. dating black in China…. proves to make some interesting blog entries.   I guess in the book of my life… this will be filled with a lot of new experiences…..

QQ Photo20140128161223 I am known for reinventing myself… and starting over…. for me .. it is another start to a new beginning.  I havent given up on love…. but I may have given up on marriage…. at least in the American sense of the word.   I think companion ship is enough…. I have always been married or in a relationship.  I have always taken care of other people… and been very supportive of my friends and family…. I think…. in this phase of my life…. I will be selfish…. and take care of just me….

I am still young-ish and beautiful… and I still attract men from around the world… maybe this will be my plan for a while.   I have a lot of opportunity here… and career wise I am at the top of my game… so…. we are doing what is best for us…

Dont worry ladies… I am still one of the experts on dealing with Asian men… and relationships…. I just have to remember that …. it takes two people to make a marriage work…. and In my case… I was the only one trying….

 

until next time…..

.

 

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44 thoughts on “Rainbows and Waterlilies… its not

  1. Pingback: Interview with Jo Bai: Fashion Entrepreneur, App Creator and Bar Owner in China | Speaking of China

  2. Pingback: 2015 Blogs by Western Women Who Love Chinese Men | Speaking of China

  3. WannaBeInSeoul

    Who ever said marriage was supposed to be fun? I thought it was common knowledge that once you said “I do” that the fun stopped and the work began. Most men in Asia are how you describe your husband. The poor ones are trying to make money and the well off ones are trying to make more money. It means they are successful (in the eyes of friends , family and peers). Otherwise, they are losers, and therefore “lose face.” A no no all over Asia. Most Asian men will be like this unless they are thoroughly Americanized (3rd, 4th generation) or raised in Europe. But of course, they will play whatever role they have to in order to get what they want, right? After marriage, the fun factor goes down..way down.

  4. simplyme

    Awww Jo, I was on beyondblackandwhite’s blog and someone placed your blog as a favorite. I hadn’t been to your blog in awhile and decided to check in. And, WOW. I thought you two would have made it to the end. I must admit a like a man who is seeking better financial opportunities for us. Who knows maybe you two can somehow make it work. Will you be returning home any time soon?

    Wishing you well.

  5. I am truly SO sorry to hear this, and also for being so late to comment. It is, however, refreshing to see how you’re taking it. I admire you, I’m a huge fan of your blog, and I know that no matter how hard it is right now, you’ll be alright.
    Sending positive thoughts to you.
    Best of luck!

  6. Pingback: 2014 Blogs by Western Women Who Love Chinese Men | Speaking of China

  7. energist

    Jo, I send you much love and respect for all that you’ve done, all that you’ve shared, all that you’ve been through. You are such a tough, strong woman. Hubby and I were both sad to read what has taken place, but we wish you the very best. You are a prize and the next man will need to earn you the right way and be worth you!

    (((Much Love)))

  8. Yeah, I really don’t think that Black and Asian relationships are going to work. just too much racism, too many cultural differences, too much mental strain. It pains me too since I’m a Black man with yellow fever, but that’s just life.

    Maybe you should listen to Marvin Gaye’s “Just to Keep You Satisfied” at this time.

    1. energist

      Not true. I’m a Black American female and I’ve been married to my Traditional Chinese husband for 9 years and we’ve been together for 10 years. Our families bond together and there is so much understanding. Much respect and understanding about the cultural differences is needed and it’s up to the MAN to make sure that his traditional family understands what is important to him and what’s going to be! My husband is VERY STRONG and I feel so blessed to have him. We love each other so much and at the 10 year mark of our marriage, we will be renewing our vows. They still want to have the super huge ceremony in China, but I’m nervous about thatl. We want to keep things simple just like we are, so they will keep trying for it, but respect my husbands decision in the long run.

      Jo is a blessing and she deserves a STRONG man who loves and respects all of who she is and stands with her at all times! ((((Super Hugs and Much Love to Jo!)

      1. you are a very lucky woman…. most local traditional chinese men are not of the same thinking. Most chinese families are not has openminded traditionally. I want to tell you that your wonderful marriage is an exception to the rule. best of luck to you… and your husband.

  9. As everyone else has said, I’m sorry to hear this, Jo. Knowing that a situation is not working for you is one thing, but having the guts to do something about it is another, and I’m glad you did what you had to do, as difficult as it may have been. All the best to you, and men in China had better look out! 😉

  10. HDing

    “If you are married to a Chinese man without money. First is work, then its parents, himself, his friends… and then the wife.”

    First of all I want to say that I have been an avid follower of your blog for several years.

    But I have to disagree with your statement and furthermore I feel that it’s a gross generalization towards all Chinese men. I’m an American born woman living in China, just as you. and have been married to a Chinese man (Beijing Ren) since 2005. My husband always puts me above all other things in his life and If I disagree with something that he is doing I make it clear to him and he always does his best to accomodate me. I hate to say it but your husband was without a real sense of marital responsibility and commitment in that he should always concern you first in every decision in his life so I am not suprised at your decision to divorce your current husband ( I would do the same) especially after reading in one of your previous blogs when your husband decided to spend the holiday with his parents than with you.

    1. IM glad your husband is so wonderful… but honestly he is in the minority. Most local Chinese are not like your husband. I have several foreign women and chinese women that have shared their experiences with me in the seven years I have been here. To verify my claims.

  11. HiDing

    “If you are married to a Chinese man without money. First is work, then its parents, himself, his friends… and then the wife.”

    First of all I want to say that I have been an avid follower of your blog for several years. But I must be honest with you and let you know that I am not suprised at your decision to divorce your current husband ( I would do the same) especially after reading in one of your previous blogs when your husband decided to spend the holiday with his parents than with you and I felt it was selfish of him to leave you alone during such an important holiday.

    But I have to disagree with your statement and furthermore I feel that it’s a gross generalization towards all Chinese men. I’m an American born woman living in China, just as you. and have been married to a Chinese man (Beijing Ren) since 2005. My husband always puts me above all other things in his life and If I disagree with something that he is doing I make it clear to him and he always does his best to accomodate me. I hate to say it but your husband was without a real sense of marital responsibility and commitment in that he should always concern you first in every decision in his life.

  12. M

    I’m sorry about the demise of your marriage but I also love your positive outlook of your life. As long as you have that kind of attitude, you will have no problem renewing your life and enjoying it.

  13. I’m sorry to hear this. I understand that marriage isn’t easy and, well, when you mix in the things that you mentioned (distance, priorities, and different goals and expectations), it’s darn near impossible to maintain a union under those circumstances. But, you sound like you’re taking it in stride, and I’m sure you will be able to move on and be happy. Well wishes to you!

  14. WOW .. I have been loving your blog for a couple of years but thanks for sharing that deeply personal story at the end of the day … you have loved and lost hopefully you and he will remain friends and it is better to have loved and lost … well you know the saying… keep your head up and PLEASE don’t play that strong black woman CRAP…cuss, cry, yell, shout, dance, drink, and MOVE ON you are a beautiful spirit and person… sometimes we have to release our grip on someone or something in order to grab hold of something better…. hang in there sis and best of luck to you …you are in CHINA boo boo go on get your “geisha” on 🙂

  15. Thank you for sharing your reasons and I’m sorry the divorce. But you always have to do what’s best for you. Glad that you’re going to keep pressing forward in China and I’m looking forward to reading more about it!

  16. irrspy

    I too am sorry to hear that but the most important thing is that you’ve learned from this experience. Life is not picture perfect. I’m crossing fingers for things to get better for you.

  17. I’ve been following your blog for a while. I’m really sad to learn about your divorce, but I find it really encouraging that you are able to come out and write about this without hysterics and blame but with reason and a positive outlook. You have come a long way from middle America all the way across the world to experience something entirely different. You are living the dream that people in big cities only dream about (but have done nothing towards). Do remember that one door opens another, and I wish the best for your continued adventures in China, or anywhere else. That’s what life is, no? One long journey. Here’s to you, upwards and onward!

  18. Sharon

    Then end of marriage is always hard. Keep your head up! You are so beautiful. There is more out there for you. Please keep us informed. I’ve been missing your blog.

  19. I’m sorry to hear about your divorce, but do you know what encourages me about your story? How you haven’t lost your sense of self, and you are still a woman who knows how marriage ISN’T supposed to be. That’s a good thing. Praying for you!

  20. Tracy

    I really admire your outlook on your situation. You have a wonderful perspective. I am sorry to hear the news, but I am excited to hear that you will focus on yourself. I’m happy you left a situation that were you were the only one trying. I can’t wait to hear about your dating experiences. China isn’t ready! 🙂

  21. Hi Jo,
    I can’t imagine a long distance marriage being very fullfilling or satisfying. After all marriage is meant to be about being there for one another – two people being One, and not just in the physical sense. I hope you enjoy your new single life, and that you eventually find someone who really does want a true happy and lasting marriage relationship with you.
    Bless you,
    Lorraine
    Kangaroo Island, South Australia..

  22. Merve

    Hi Jo, I’ve been reading your blog *silently* for years. When I’ve seen this post of yours I swear I didn’t feel sad at all… Because I know that if divorce was something you decided in the end, it means that’s the best for you… It surprised me a bit, but living in China for 2,5 years already I can feel what you mean about money and marriage in China. I know you’ll go on being as awesome in this new phase of your life as you have been before. Looking forward to your new adventures. Keep on shining!!

  23. My heart goes out to you, Jo. A divorce is never an easy thing, especially to talk publicly about when you’ve shared so much of your past marriage with the world for so long. But your positive outlook for the future is outstanding — and I too can’t wait to read about your new adventures.

  24. Lauren

    Very sorry to hear about your pending divorce. But as you said, there will be many exciting adventures ahead.Any relationship ended can be heavy on the heart, in one way or another.
    I love your blog and look forward to hearing more about your time abroad. You’re a gorgeous girl, witty and sharp…times will definitely be blessed as you move forward. Much love to you!

  25. ichirinnohana101

    Jo you didn’t even have to write that you were going to be alright…..cause I knew you would. You my friend are the epitome of what it means to be a “Strong Black Woman” (or any woman).

    I wish I was there to be a shoulder to cry on or to eat some Mac & Cheese and Hersheys Chocolate Bars (don’t ask HOW we would be eating this stuff in China just know that we would *winkwink*).
    Now wipe those tears away cause I’m crying enough for the both of us……My new title is…….GRANDMA!!!!!!!………lol (:

  26. blackandyellow

    One door closes and another one opens. I am looking forward to reading about your new life. Virtual hug to one of my favorite bloggers.

  27. ichirinnohana101

    Why is it that people can’t see the better part of themselves when it’s right there….living and breathing right there in front of them. Outside of my mom you are the woman I most admire. You my dear Jo are the epitome of what it means to be a “Strong Black Woman” (or a woman in general). You didn’t even have to write that you were gonna be ok….cause I already knew you would be.
    I wish I was there just to be a shoulder to lean on and someone to eat some Mac N Cheese & Hershey’s Chocolates with (don’t ask how we would have these things in China…just trust me we would *wink wink*). I love you sista from another mother. Now wipe those tears away cause I’m crying enough for the both of us….I will soon have a new name………..GRANDMA!!!!!! ……Ha Ha

    TTFN MY FRIEND

  28. Wow, I’m definitely sending a prayer and good thoughts your way. I know you have some things to sort out. At the same time, I’m confident that you can handle it. Keep us posted. We care.

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