The Chinese Dating Game

No matter how many years I stay here.. I cannot get over the fact that when women come to come to China and want to date Chinese men they all have the same insecurities.  It makes me wonder how they got dates in their home country and what are they expecting to happen in China that is different.


I have met many young girls that ask me for advice on how to date Chinese men and the confidence levels of these girls are so surprising low.   I mean I have been up on this millennial generation attitude thing.  They are so tech savvy, and selfie savvy. They have all these opinions regarding government, human rights, animal rights and even what foods to eat.  They (in my opinion) are a bit smart mouthed and some have never been taught manners and if they have… they have forgotten how to use them.   Anyway, these young-ins’ are showing up in China and they are having a hard time with the dating situation here (go figure).

I honestly laugh to myself with some of the situations that are being told to me… it is not because I am laughing at them… its because “In My Day” these things would never have been an issue.  I will talk about a few of them… I’m not going to mention any names… to protect the crazy… .but I want you to know what I am talking about.


Case #1: This black, young lady is very beautiful and I don’t think there is really a problem, however she seems to feel uncomfortable because the Chinese boy wants to pay for the dates. Let me write that again… THE BOY WANTS TO PAY FOR THE DATES!!!!  and she has a problem with this.   Such a problem that she doesn’t want to go out with him anymore.  Seriously…..????  Since when is a man acting like a man reason to want to stop dating someone?  I don’t know when in the hell .. this mess changed but its crazy.   I wanted to say…. “get over it and be happy he wants to pay.. if he didn’t want to pay you would be bitchin’ that he didn’t want to spend money on you” .. But I said...  communicate you concerns with the boy and work out a situation that is more comfortable for you. Maybe taking turns paying the bill.

Case #2: This white, young lady has a tomboy look, she has shaved her head and looks like a little pixie. The gentleman she in a relationship with asked her if she could grow her hair a little longer before she met his parents.  He thinks it will be a bit easier to get his parents to agree to the relationship.  She flipped out and said that she isn’t changing anything. She has already made a sacrifice when she came to China.   Well, this is a situation in which you have to understand that relationships take many sacrifices.  If you are already going into a situation that has difficulty written on it because you are American and he is Chinese… and you know that the parents are very traditional and you want them to approve of the relationship, in my mind, hair is a very small thing to fight over in the scheme of things.  I wanted to say…..”bitch put a damn wig on .. when you meet them and then take the shit off when it is over… get over it”  I said…. it sounds to me that the relationship has other issues other than your hair.  If you really wanted to be in a relationship with this person hair wouldn’t be the deciding point.  Communicate your concerns and re-evaluate whether or not you want to be with this man.

Case #3 – A white, girl is dating a Mongolian boy they are both in university and live near campus.  It seems that the boy has shown he likes her and they meet often, have sex regularly, and she seems to spend a lot of time with him talking and watching movies and just chillin’ together.   I asked her what the problem is…. she says… he talks about the future together and tells her how much he cares and even gets upset if she doesn’t call him enough.   I am still confused about what the problem was.… and finally she says… I don’t think he takes me out enough.  Okay... sometimes I think we has women are never satisfied.   I wanted to say…. “what the hell do you want from the boy… he is doing his best to be a good boyfriend to you.. and he thinks he is doing a good job and you still complaining inside your head.  He is in university just like you… living off his parents and you want more.  Hello, do you understand how a relationship works???  What I said…. Have you spoken to him about his financial situation? Why don’t you suggest some places that don’t cost or cost very little for you two to go… like a park, or nature walk or free concerts… most Chinese university students are broke. They can’t work in China so all their money comes from their parents. Communicate your concerns to him… he cannot read your mind. Also, it is okay for the girl to pay for things too.


Case #4: A pretty and intelligent girl, met a handsome Chinese guy after about a week of talking on the phone everyday, and walking on sunshine and clouds she finally decides to have sex with the boy.  (this boy as been asking for sex the entire time – red flag) After the night of stars and fireflies the boy ghosts her the next day.  Even changes his phone number and blocks her from the messenger app.   She is devastated and cannot understand that a man would have sex with a woman and then just delete her from his life instantly.   She felt that maybe she wasn’t good in bed or she did something wrong.  I wanted to say….“Good God, Get a Grip Girl…. it isn’t not the end of the world… the boy wanted to get laid that is it… it happens all the time…. put your big panties on and move on.  It is not that serious.   What I said…. You can’t blame yourself for a guy, who was an asshole and only wanted to experiment and have sex with a foreigner.  It happens in every country not just China.  You just learn to protect your feelings a little more.  Not every man in China wants a relationship some guys are just to play.  Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve.

The Chinese dating game isn’t much different than the American dating game.. there are good and bad dates … there are good and bad people…. but in all cases you need to communicate your needs, wants and goals to that person.   Men are not quick on the uptake when it comes to what women want and need.  Then add the fact that every woman is different it just makes it nearly impossible for them to know what you want….Then add another culture on top of that… they will be pretty much clueless, unless you TELL them.

The common flaw I have notice in all these situations is that none of these girls communicated what they needed or wanted to the guy.  None of them….. when did women stop telling men what they want?   I have always voiced my needs or wants to who ever it was…. be it a relationship, friendship or just wanting to get laid…. I have never been afraid to voice my feelings.   It seems that is the main issue with the girls that contact me or have problems dating in China….. they don’t have high self-esteem, they don’t voice their wants and needs and they just seem socially awkward.

I honestly don’t get it…. I am blaming the mothers out there…. yes.. the woman that are my age….. We grew up through the 80’s and 90’s… what are you people teaching your little girls?  Where has the female confidence gone?

My advice to those of you that want to date Chinese men.. or any men for that matter…. Woman the Fuck up.… if you have issues with a man or you want to know how a man feels about you…. ASK HIM…… stop doubting yourself, and assuming the worse and just complaining about shit.. that he doesn’t even know you have a problem with….. Communicate ladies.… get the shit out in the open… then…. you can have a clear picture of what is going on and what you need to do….


until next time….. 




10 thoughts on “The Chinese Dating Game

  1. Lori

    Case 1: A lot of American women have been brain washed into believing they need to pay for dates. Even if the guys asks them. And if he offers to pay then he expects a little something something afterwards. Few American men court these days and sadly women allow them to get away with it.

    Case 2: I agree with you. This couple has other issues if hair is causing this much conflict. Also a lot of American women have the mantra of ‘you need to accept me as I am’. Which is no problem really. These women just need to find men who do that.

    Case 3:As you stated. She went along with it so why should he change? They hang out, screw, and watch movies. She was OKAY with it. Had she set the tone early on then maybe it would be different. If men could read minds they would put the toilet seat down.

    Case 4: She had sex after talking on the phone for a week. Says it all. Many American women feel they have to sleep with someone or risk losing them.

    Overall American women have been lead to believe that men overseas are not like men in America. So they let their guard down.

    Their mothers can’t teach them because they just don’t know.

  2. lydia

    maybe number 1 thought she was going to end up like number 4. Its like, ” i’m in charge i’ve bought you”.

    I am on the fence about number 4. Did she think cause he is chinese one night would make him fall in love and give her everything. Second, I value sex and would be devasted if I got ghosted.

  3. Posted the following on my FB feed. Are you on FB? Still trying to get back to China.

    This lifebehindthewall blog on is by a Black American sistah who was a good advice giver to me while I was a Fulbright Scholar in China in 2011-12. She is married to a Chinese man and has been in China for about 10 years. Herein she discusses some but not all of my dating experiences in China. A good read.

  4. Pingback: Dating in (China) Foreign Countries – Rays : Drops of Golden's Sun

      1. No, I’ve heard similar complaints from fellow millennials and it frustrates me. It’s why guys are literally afraid to do anything nice. It also makes them not take feminism seriously. They think we are just overreacting to everything now.

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